I had a usual day today. Woke up half asleep, got out of bed, prepared myself for the day ahead (mentally too) and sailed through like any other day. Then came the night. The time when my fear peaks as I prepare to go to sleep. For those who aren't aware, I have been struggling to sleep for months now. But I make it through, somehow. This time around it was different. I was tossing around and tried to relax while sleeping. I was startled with the sound of sipping. I turned to see who this was and ah! There she was. Sipping on some tea made of fear, restlessness and uncertainty. I wondered what an odd hour to be drinking anything, but she seemed to enjoy it.
Her eyes met mine and there was this evil grin on her face. It made me furious. "Hey! Could you let me sleep? You're not letting me rest, for real." Her grin turning into a chuckle, she said "This is my favorite part. My only entertainment. Watching you struggle for everything including your beauty sleep. Looks like you have a lot going on your mind. Waking up with sadness striking out of nowhere, work driving you on the edge of collapsing and lacking the affection you expect."
And the conversation begins! I snap back at her but sarcastically saying, "H A H A H A, so funny! It was just another day. Why does it even sound so exciting to you?"
"Yes, it was just another day. But you know what caught my eye? Your calmness in the whole situation. You were troubled. We could all see. You weren't masking your fears in your stupid little acts of entertainment. Your dear one asked if you were unwell. All you said was you have a lot on your plate. You stayed right there, aligned, getting work done and suppressing everything that could trouble your mind. How....."
"I was surprised too. But you know, I'm trying to navigate my thoughts. I'm trying to find answers to questions, logical ones, instead of making up reasons for my sorrows."
With a raised brow, she responded saying, "Interesting, so you're telling me that your health doesn't bother you anymore? The 'uncertainty of the future', the panic that I caused and innumerable things that pop up on the health front."
Smirking back I go, "Have you seen how long I've come? Crushing it with self-care ma'am, you aren't noticing it well."
"OH! And what about the times you feel triggered? The times you let yourself down? Feeling not being up to the mark? Not giving your 100%. Feeling like a complete failure only causing pain to your loved ones?"
"I am human, I make mistakes and I only learn. I'm trying to make amends, for everyone who matters including myself. If a certain someone is saying something that can potentially trigger me, I ask them to stop right there. COMMUNICATION you see."
"Okay. Point taken. But I'm sure you're totally losing it on the affection front. You're so lead down when anyone apart from your family is not 'getting you'. Must be driving you crazy, no? I've seen you go bonkers and honestly it's sooooo funny...."
Cutting her mid-sentence I interrupt, "You know before you even finish it let me tell you this- I've been reading and our definition of 'affection' is not the same for everyone. It stems from our childhood, for me it applies even today. I see how my family tends to all my needs. I felt I wanted the same from everyone. But how can I? They have their own ways of showing affection. They too are 'figuring it all out' like I am. We can't expect everyone to love us back the way we do. Why not introspect and go back to when I was a child and understand this better?"
All I could listen to was radio silence. She went quiet. Just looking at the tea which was slowly turning cold. My anxiety, she just sat there for a while. Maybe she was trying to make sense of what I just said.
When I finally put my head down to sleep, she looked at me and said, "Remember that time when...."
Here we go again! 🤦🏼♀️
Cover image via Huffpost